"shes crying, and i am lying about last night, i cant find a way to tell her, at the hour at hand...ill wait for you, i cross my heart..."

i like to throw a little surprise once in a while....a new thought that i need to share....my brother is 20. i remember him being in sixth grade, i remember being in sixth grade. we are all growing up so fast its scary, this time next year ill be a senior. geez. i hope many of you can happily say this as i proudly can, i have no regrets thus far. i do not regret a single thing over the past 16 and a half years, ive made wise decisions, ive kept myself free of drugs, alcohol, sex and despair. woo hoo. i heard the best sermon and music tonight, it changed my life, and so did my brother....even though hes a little queer these days. i love life, i hope you guys who i dont talk to are good, and i love my new church sooooooo much you guys HAVE to come to youth group with me sunday at 6:30

"hello there, i know its, hard to feel like i don't care at all, where you are and how you feel, what you think, and who you are...."

"because im broken, when im lonesome, and I don't wanna feel like im strong enough."

And thus concludes my xanga. Ive got to completely abandon certain things to make my life stronger, just so happens this site is on the list. I agree with alex pederson, if you need a customizable journal to make you feel important in the world, you've got serious issues. i hate xanga, i hate how people use it as communication, i hate how people twist what they read, assume things are about them. so im done, ta ta it was fun....jessica ill join you on the other site....and no one else will know.....

"THIS IS WHAT LIVING LIKE THIS DOES, THIS IS WHAT LIVING LIKE THIS DOES, THIS IS WHAT LIVING LIKE THIS DOES, THIS IS WHAT LIVING LIKE THIS DOES, THIS IS WHAT LIVING LIKE THIS DOES.."

"I hope you still feel small when you stand next to the ocean, i hope whenever one door closes, another one opens, i hope that you'll give faith a fighting chance, and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance..."

theres so much i want to say, but nothing seems worth the breath, I've done all I can do, and now I have to sit and watch it die. I worked so hard, and tried my best, but sometimes you're best isnt good enough. So I guess this is goodbye, I guess this is the end, I guess I'll pack up and try not to look back, but I can't promise you a thing, you never kept a single promise to me....

I hate the fairy tale love stories on tv, I hate the Dawson's Creek tv show. they always have some major obstacle, some falling out, some impossible feat to overcome. which in and of itself is true life i guess. but everytime, they overcome the impossible in the name of love, and those two are forever together. great story, but so untrue. that doesnt happen, what happens is people give up. the prize isn't worth the effort. i hate fairy tales, because there is no such thing, things bloom and they die, nothing is forever, im beginning not to believe in the hollywood idea of love, i dont think its possible, and it's my own fault, its what ive tried so hard to create, ive wanted so badly that illovercomeanythingforyou love that you see on tv, and it gets me nowhere but alone....and sinking further away...

"ocean's apart, day after day, and i slowly go insane, i hear you're voice, on the line, but it doesnt stop the pain, if i see you next to never, how can we say forever, wherever you go, whatever you do, i will be right here waiting for you, whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks i will be right here waiting for you.."

"So in affectionate, so insecure. You claim to know a thing or two about heartache and what it's like to have your insides torn out. And I believe you, I see it everytime your pallbearer's palor is obscured by the darkness. Dancing across your face, and when the blackness veils your eyes in pain. I know what it's like when the memories make you wince, and when love letters read like obituaries. And photo albums are the books of the dead, i need no reminders, I'll forget the past and lay it to rest..."

I hung out with jessica, gabe, and alex pederson last night. and i really learned what a good kid i am. I mean I've never smoked weed, I've never been drunk, I'm about as sexually pure as one can get, and I'm so proud of it. I mean sure you can say I'm a goody two shoes all you want but I mean what is harder? to collapse into the mindless drudge of society, or take the higher road and stay pure, its easy to get high everyday, drunk every night and have sex just for fun, the culture is these days, thats what's expected and what is encouraged. I think it's harder for a teenager to not do those things, and I'm so unbelievably proud that I can say I have not had sex, and I WILL NOT until I am happily married to the woman of my dreams.

EDIT: I love life, im so happy for no reason, its awesome, i love metal, my transformation is near complete, if you cant hear the song, TURN UP THE VOLUME ITS AMAZING!.....i am a poker champ....bring it on......hehe

"Am I being too cryptic? Am I being too obscure? Love kills, romance is dead, and I don't even trust myself, but I love you. And you can pull my wings apart, and pin me down under glass. Until the end of days, if it can help you, discover that we share the same pain. I just hope you write your thesis, before your subject is dead. No life after death..."

"waiting for the sun, to set my wings ablaze, The show must go on, the funeral needs a star. Tonight I have become the gossip and the choir. The useless and the used. The one who reaches for her arms. I am denial. You are the one who fell from grace for them. Is there a reason why, the funeral needs a star..."

So I'm done moving rooms, it sucks, im still pissed, but I'm getting some stuff out of it, so i guess i'll just have to live with it. my foot has turned purple, and im pretty sure i broke a bone in my foot as well as the hardcore dancing accident. so i like limp all over the place. i also have to work tonight, and nobody will take my shift so i get to limp people to their table. it sucks. anywho, happy birthday jessica! everyone tell her happy birthday. current music is the bled, who are amazing. almost debt free, i can feel it, and i can smell the fresh air. my brother comes home saturday, so im excited for that, i might go up to manhattan next week, depends on my training schedule, so thats that, i got my schedule changed, i dropped honors history, changed digital photo to international business, and changed art history to history of film, im excited those classes will be so much fun. if im stuck at school i might as well do something that interests me, or watch movies right???

"As you walked away for the last time, could you hear my heart consumed behind you, As you turn your back from the dying did you feel the sun burn out behind you? You set my wings ablaze, you will run from familiar arms into their embrace. I hope they love you like i did, when you needed me i came to you that night..."